The thing was though, I didn't even want it. "This is rubbish! What were you even thinking? For real? This?"
God just shrugged with a stupid grin on his face.
"What am I even going to do with it?"
God was still grinning. "I dunno. Whatever you like. But it's yours now."
Man! I've been proper lumbered with this, I don't believe it. It's not like I even ask for it. And this gift turned out to be a proper pain in the backside. It was such an effort, and everything that could go wrong, went wrong. What a nightmare and all because of this stupid gift.
If I tell the truth, we kind of fell out over it. Well, I fell out with God, he just ignored me. Thanks for that. Curse me with this gift and then act like you don't know what I'm talking about. It all got out of hand. I said some things. You know how it goes, and that was that.
This went on for years. Every time things went tits-up I was like, "Yeah, thanks for that! Nice one. You're the funniest person you know, even though you're not even a person. Or funny!"
I probably spent over forty years of my life doing this and things went from bad to worse until they became pretty unmanageable. I mean proper messed up stuff. Things nightmares are made of but I wasn't asleep.
I think at about this point, God realised he had probably underestimated just how stupid a person can really be. "Just have another look at the gift. What harm can it do?"
"Are you having a laugh?"
"No, seriously. I don't mean to be blunt, but stop being a dick about it. Look at it this way round. I'll give you a few pointers."
And hats off to God, he did start giving me some pointers once I got over the bee in my bonnet, and, well, stopped being such a dick. It took me like forever to get my head around it, but slowly I started to see some plus points about this gift. In fact, it came in proper handy on lots of occasions until eventually, I couldn't do without it, I won't lie.
That's when everything changed. Looking back now, I can't even believe I was so unbelievably stupid. I literally couldn't even see how profoundly, unimaginably, gobsmackingly amazing this gift was even though it was right in front of my face all the time. God knew how stupid I was, but never really made a deal about it. We are best mates again now.
When I realised what God had given me, I was just utterly speechless. I cried a lot. I couldn't say sorry enough! I didn't feel worthy of such a profound gift. My gratitude overwhelmed me. If I could have just seen this right from the start, I would have saved myself so much pain and heartbreak. Man! I am almost furious with myself.
God found this seriously amusing. "Don't be so hard on yourself. If you hadn't been such an idiot, you wouldn't have appreciated my gift as much as you do now."
"Yeah, I guess you're right."
"Of course I am, I'm God, stupid."
Oh, how we laughed!
How lucky am I to have been given such an amazing gift from God?
My gift God gave me was life.